On Cloning
by Wordsmith1
Summary: Conjectural excerpt from our favorite electronic book, `The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy`. Dedicated to the enduring memory and work of Douglas Adams.


- On Cloning -  
  
The Encyclopedia Galactica defines cloning as "the process by which one or more identical organisms is/are reproduced asexually from a single common ancestor", and goes on to note the profound legal and ethical issues involved in its practical applications.   
  
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has the following to say about its practical applications: "There aren't any worth mentioning, so forget about it," it says. "The insanely complicated procedures involved in attempting to create a genetically perfect duplicate of any sentient being require such enormous amounts of expensive equipment, education, and patience that the average hitchhiker is infinitely better off investing in a cheap temporal displacement generator to cheat your way out of whatever work or embarrassing situation you would have your clone deal with in your place. All in all, the relative ease of altering history to avoid the myriad problems of the modern hitchhiker as compared to creating a clone of yourself to supposedly take care of them in your absence has been conclusively proven by renowned scientists and other smart-alecks across the Galaxy to be much more practical, far less time consuming, and even less financially devastating as the result of years of ensuing therapy. More to the point, clones will not, contrary to Sub-Etha Net advertisements, serve as convenient automatons ready to haggle over your charge card debt at the local Galactibank branch while you yourself slope off to the nearest pub. They are independent and rather disgruntled life-forms who, unless unusually painstaking measures are taken in the DNA replication process, will rush frenetically to talk shows and/or governments to complain of their schizophrenia, discriminatory treatment, and lack of special welfare protection. In extreme cases, interstellar war has resulted from the ravings of these poor creatures. Consider, for instance, the tragic story of Llyrea Liercava."  
  
"Throughout the infamous history of the Imperial Galactic Government, few administrations were fraught with more scandal, corruption, and wild parties than that of President Llyrea Liercava. Though flagrant irresponsibility and gratuitous lack of character are requirements for nomination to office, President Liercava proved to have inordinately large reserves of both and still holds the record for the least number of cabinet meetings attended: one quarter. How did he manage such an amazing record of absence and lack of productivity, you may ask? Simple: Liercava had a friend of a friend whose second cousin had been doing some post-graduate work for the Paragenetics Department at the University of Maximegalon. This bright, if neurotic, young man by the name of Fryzz Ventaxx had just completed initial experimentation in the then uncharted field of extrapolated matter analyses [see entries on Total Perspective Vortex and Trin Tragula] and had discovered a miraculous new method for cloning some advanced species of pocket lint, worked his way up to duplicating the intelligent paper clips of Garzulon Kappa, and felt ready to attempt the process on more complex and marginally less insidious forms of sentient life."   
  
"The groundbreaking result? President Liercava soon had, after the shady and barely concealed transfer of funds and material from the already debt-ridden Imperial Treasury, a version of himself which, for his intents and purposes, could once and for all take care of his so-called 'responsibilities' in the government and allow him to crash more and notorious parties than even the most recent administrations can boast of. However, Liercava became so obsessed with the idea of having all sorts of duplicates rushing around finding out which fancy dress balls he could gate-crash to generate the most publicity, or any of a thousand other such errands, that one day he discovered he had more clones of himself running around (apparently) doing his bidding than he or anyone on his already inept staff could keep track of. But Liercava's real problem soon became glaringly obvious when each clone (after the real Liercava had been missing for over two weeks, reportedly at a flying cocktail party) went on strike and moved to entirely different quadrants in a clandestine attempt to sway that particular galactic neck of the woods that he was the President."   
  
"Naturally, this caused something of a panic when each version of Liercava began to claim that, despite their almost total similarity to one another, every other version was a traitorous, inept, and rapidly disintegrating copy. In fact, 'disintegrating' was exactly what Liercava's administration was doing, having plunged most of the known Galaxy into a confusing, and rather narcissistic, civil war. Interestingly enough, all this commotion provided the perfect opportunity for the mentally unstable Fryzz Ventaxx (who had also stolen a degree in Hostile Takeovers from the distinguished Maximegalon Psuedo-Law Institue) to seize power and set himself up as the new President. Having gained the support of a suspicious brain trust of six in the seat of government, this political juggernaut went on to exterminate the quiveling clones and their suddenly fair-weather military forces, hunt down the real Liercava (who had taken on a new identity and somehow become a major shareholder in Milliways), and have him publicly flogged on multiple counts of immense stupidity. However, as further proof that those who struggle to gain true power must be denied it at all costs, Ventaxx mysteriously disappeared shortly thereafter and has since been spotted running a profitable catering service on Frogstar World C under an assumed name and genetic makeup, apparently oblivious of any previous life he may have led as a usurper. In the end, much to the relief of the suspicious brain trust of six, everybody was soon able to relax and get on with it."  
  
What intelligible conclusion can possibly be drawn from this example? Can governmental affairs ever be successfully made the sole responsibility of mindless clones? Can Galactic Presidents ever truly lead secret lives? Should scientists stick their noses into politics? Though the Guide remains adamant on these (and many other) questions, one must always remember never to fool with mother nature, except for the occasional time journey to prevent the rise of mad, politically ambitious geneticists (even if they are good cooks). 


End file.
